How Sexism Helps a Narcissist’s Smear Campaign

One of the most painful consequences of being targeted by a covert narcissist’s smear campaign is that the narcissist recruits “flying monkeys” to his web of lies, leaving you feeling confused, misunderstood, and completely isolated. What I did not realize until much later however, is how large a factor sexism played in my situation.  

A quick primer: A covert narcissist is someone who pretends to be your friend, but all the while is using you for their own purposes, talking smack behind your back, scheming to some day “discard” you. Flying monkeys are recruited to believe the lies and take the narcissist’s side when the shit hits the fan. And it eventually will.

While I have read endless books and articles about narcissism, I have not seen anybody make the case for how sexism sets up a narcissist for success.

No workplace abuse takes place in a vacuum, it’s always a reflection of the larger societal norms. In this way, existing sexist bias about how women are supposed to behave can help the narcissist who is attempting to smear a woman’s reputation.

But it does not stop there, because when you start fighting back, then the lies get reinforced. It’s a very convenient feedback loop that ensures women get screwed.

Here are a few examples of sexist words that have been used to describe me.

Difficult. Many strong women have heard this. As Jane Goodall famously said, “It actually doesn’t take much to be considered a difficult woman. That’s why there are so many of us.” Exactly. So what happens when a narcissist amplifies a sexist concept that others are already inclined to think? It makes it a thousand times worse.

Pushy. A close cousin to difficult, it can be used in situations where a strong woman may simply know what she wants and asks for it. Or has high standards for herself and expects the same from others. You know what else that’s called? Excellence. Men can demand the same excellence but not be called pushy, instead he’s called confident. Here, a narcissist can swoop in and create challenging situations where you might “push back” and then voila, you are a pushy woman. Which then leads to….

Does not play well with others. This is another way to put women down who are being disrespected. You know when I don’t play well with others? When the “others” are incompetent men who think they know everything and refuse to listen to me. Who wants to play with others who disrespect you? In one situation where I knew an idea a man was proposing would fail, I fought against it and lost. Guess what? I was proven right. Did I ever hear, “you were right”? Nope, all I got was, “you don’t play well with others”. This becomes a gift to the narcissist to amplify these situations in the smear campaign.

Emotional. When women are pushed to our brink and then react defensively, we get called emotional. That’s the definition of gaslighting. Narcissists are master manipulators, so they know how to push your buttons, blame you for reacting and then tell the flying monkeys all about it. The narcissist may even fake concern about you, which gives them more credibility.

Then when you can no longer take all this abuse, what happens when you try to defend yourself to the institution against all of this? The sexism is cemented. You are further gaslighted and you really become the problem now. That’s when the “institutional betrayal trauma” begins. This happens when the institution where you work does not take proper action against your abuser, or even worse, retaliates against you instead.

According to one research study on women who reported sexual abuse in the military, “Institutional betrayal following military sexual trauma is associated with more severe depression and specific posttraumatic stress disorder symptom clusters.”

Then, on your way out the door, you may be forced to sign a legal agreement that suppresses your ability to even tell your story. (I wrote about my own experience here.)

So now we have three levels of trauma: the initial abuse by the narcissist, the institutional betrayal, and being silenced about all of it.

Who wouldn’t be emotional at this point?

Do you want to work with me to learn more about sexism and narcissism? Contact me here.